people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
