My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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