I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I was not drunk enough for that final.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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