the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
