the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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