then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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