I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
