Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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