funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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