Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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