Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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