I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
