Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
where are my eyebrows?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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