I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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