I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
