I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
