just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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