he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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