Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
