My first STD was from a foam party
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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