Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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