Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
