I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
