i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
