I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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