now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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