Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So apparently I’m into choking now
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