i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
