I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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