The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
