Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My ass is underappreciated
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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