I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
