Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
