So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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