and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize