just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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