During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
