FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I want to fling myself into the sun
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
