i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
