what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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