Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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