can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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