Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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