you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
