genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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