Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
