New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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