I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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