I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
