Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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