this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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