She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize