Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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