Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
