2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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