Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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